singleness – Jamie

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.” ~ Psalm 39:7

False Assumption #2: waiting on God is easy.

These words were written in my journal on August 16, 1998…

I find myself caught up in this whirlwind of

disappointment, frustration,

anger, sadness,

excitement, relief,

contentment and joy.

The sun sets a new shade of loneliness.

… the night I ended my 3-year relationship with Jamie.

A pastor once said that until you know how close you come to giving up on God, you will know little of what it means to give yourself fully to Him. I get that. There are times when it would be easier not to believe in God than to believe in Him and wonder what the hell He’s doing. This was one of those times.

Jamie was everything on my checklist. He loved Jesus and was kind, funny, and athletic. He pursued me for nine months after I told him I wasn’t interested in dating him. He started looking sexy in his backwards hat and scruffy beard. His smile, thoughtfulness, and intentionality began to weaken my heart. My feelings for Jamie deepened over those months, and dating him was unreasonably fun. I loved him. Integrity falls short in describing this man. In my most embarrassing moment at the beach, and in my darkest moment on a hospital floor, Jamie was present. He loved me. He modeled Jesus to me, in so many ways, for three years. And yet, he wasn’t to be my husband.

Did I miss my chance at marriage?

Did I really walk away from what I have longed for my whole life, a partner?

This spiral of questions begins with right longing but can quickly turn into self-condemnation, blame, and judgment. It can feel like I chose singleness, instead of God choosing it for me*. Feelings of inadequacy loom, and appeal of lower standards tempt.

I need reminding.

God is under no obligation to explain himself. Since that night, God has woven a beautiful tapestry of a life of fun, ministry, and relationships with the tortures of uncertainty, silence, and delay.

It is only by faith that I can believe everything works for good.

By faith, I hope.

* Insert huge theological presuppositions. I’m 90% Calvinist. We should talk. 🙂


One thought on “singleness – Jamie

  1. I remember the beach :), I remember the hospital, I remember the questioning and hopes and doubts. I remember how you did and continue to choose to follow God in the hard things of life. I remember you stepping out in faith on so many occassions. Reminds me of Romans 5:3-5:

    Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

    I’ve certainly seen your faithfulness and God’s work in shaping your character to be more like Him.

    Love you so much…

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