Like most people, I’m afraid of being different. Like most girls, I dreamed of being married at 22.
Today could have been my 12th wedding anniversary with Jamie.
But I’m single at 39, and belonging to this abandoned category makes me different. I am learning to love it. You see, it was my salvific testimony to my mom one day after school in 5th grade: “Mom, I want to be different… and I think Jesus can do that.” In that moment, standing by our kitchen table, Jesus became my Lord and Savior. He has changed my life, set me apart for Himself, and made me different.
Over the last couple of months, in examining my heart about my singleness, I remembered something Psyche said in C.S. Lewis’s novel Till We Have Faces:
“It was when I was happiest that I longed most. … The sweetest thing of all my life has been the longing … to find the place where all the beauty came from.”
These are the faces of the guys who have nurtured this sweetest longing in me. Guys I might have married if I had my way.
As I post these pictures and see their faces, I smile. My heart sinks a little, but it worships more. Because God is who I’m after. I’m learning, like Psyche, that He is the place where all the beauty comes from.
I have a Father who is working everything out. He will provide for me.
Because I believe that a fruit tree, a flood, barren women making babies, jealous brothers, soaking-wet firewood, a not-even-muddy walk-through, a worn slingshot, a divided kingdom, a loud trumpet, a presence-less temple, an already-engaged teenage girl, three obedient fishermen, a young boy’s lunch, a roll of the die are evidence that the divine will is never thwarted.
Would I want it differently?
TRUTH: I have everything I need for life and godliness.
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence. ~ 2 Peter 1:3
TRUTH: He withholds no good thing from me.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. ~ Psalm 84:11
TRUTH: He ordains every detail of my day for my good.
Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. ~ Psalm 139:16
And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. ~ Luke 12:7
TRUTH: I am called, because of His own purpose and His grace.
For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time–to show us his grace through Christ Jesus. ~ 2 Timothy 1:9
TRUTH: I don’t need to be anxious about anything because He will care for me.
Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? ~ Matthew 6:26
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ~ Phil. 4:6
The answer to the “Why am I single?” question is always:
Because Jesus loves me.